Commitments

This is a strange and slightly uncomfortable topic for me to talk about, however I feel like it is something that is rarely talked about. I know that I have a deep rooted fear of commitment. It might seem like a really weird thing to be afraid of to people who haven't expierenced this, (if you haven't then you are very lucky indeed) but it's a genuine fear of mine and it sucks. I feel like I should probably go into depth a bit more since I've not explained why or how this became a fear, and here I am rambling. Commitment is a scary thing, not only is there the risk of your self being hurt there is also the risk of someone you (presumably) love being hurt aswell, to me the idea of hurting someone that you care about that deeply is beyond terrifying. You see, by no means would I say for example, cheat on someone that I was ever with as this is something that I've always been 110% against, however given my family history, it's in my genes. This might sound stupid to the average person yet my commitment fear started from actually being mistreated by 'father'. It's very hard to be in the mindset that someone could love you unconditionally when your own dad who is supposed to be your number one fan disowns you for a random persons children. As I was young when this all happened I grew to resent him, yet now I feel nothing towards him as he is completely gone from my life, yet I will always have this constant reminder in the back of my head that maybe I am 'unloveable?' Which again, sounds dumb because I have some amazing traits, yet this is something I honestly believe I will suffer with for the rest of my life. Having a fear of commitment doesn't just mean being with someone either, it means I'm to scared to go on dates or sometimes even stick to plans I've made with friends because I feel like I can't get out of it if I need to and it makes me extremely anxious. For a long time this made me feel like I genuinely wasn't 'normal' as everyone else around me was falling in love and getting engaged however I've come to realise that this is always going to be one of those weird personality traits I have about myself. If I could change this about myself I honestly don't know if I would, im sure being able to love someone is amazing however thinking this way has helped me see the bigger pictures with a lot of different things which has prevented me from getting hurt numerous amounts of times. If anyone reads this, what's your thoughts on commitment?